Solve your troubles by separating tasks! Introduction to Adlerian psychology

this blog has been translated into English on the new bing.

Hello! Today I would like to introduce you to a way of thinking called Adlerian psychology.
Adlerian psychology is said to be “psychology for living happily

In this way of thinking, various keywords such as “teleology”, “life style”, “life task”, and “need for approval” come up, but this time I would like to focus on one of them: “separation of tasks”.

What are tasks?

First, let’s start with the word “task”.

A “task” means a “problem that needs to be solved” or a “goal that needs to be achieved”.
For example,

– Homework
– Club activities
– Friends
– Family

These are all things that you have chosen for yourself, not things that have been given to you by someone else.
These are all “tasks” that you have.

Others and yourself

Then, what are the “tasks” that each of “others” and “yourself” have?

For example,

– Teacher
– Boss
– Neighbor
– Lover

These are people who are related to you, not things that you have chosen for yourself.

These are not your tasks, but tasks that others have.

However, how you think or feel about these “tasks of others” is a task that you have.

For example,

– I feel sad when I get scolded by my teacher
– I can’t say no when my boss asks me something
– I feel sorry when I bother my neighbor
– I feel painful when I get jealous of my lover

These are your tasks of your emotions or thoughts.

Then, what will be better by distinguishing between the tasks of others and your own tasks?

Solve your troubles by separating tasks!

In Adlerian psychology, there are the following benefits by distinguishing between the tasks of others and your own tasks.

– By not intervening in the tasks of others, you can respect them and build trust relationships.
– By focusing on your own tasks, you can enhance your self-responsibility and self-esteem.
– By controlling your emotions and thoughts, you can reduce stress and anxiety.

Let’s look at some concrete examples.

Example 1: The child does not study

A common problem in parent-child relationships is that the child does not study. The parent wants the child to study, but the child does not want to study. In this case,

– The choice of whether to study or not is a task of others that the child has.
– The feeling of wanting the child to study is a task of oneself that the parent has.
– The emotion of getting irritated when the child does not study is a task of oneself that the parent has.

If we distinguish them like this,

– The parent can express their feeling of wanting the child to study (their own task),

but they should not force them to study (intervening in the task of others)

or get irritated and yell at them (failing to control their emotions).
– The parent should try not to get irritated even if the child does not study (controlling their emotions),

try to understand the cause and background (respecting the other person),

or try some ideas or encouragement (building trust relationships).

Example 2: Borrowed money from a friend

If you borrowed money from a friend,

– The choice of whether to repay the debt or not is a task of others that the friend has.
– The feeling of wanting them to repay the debt is a task of oneself that you have.
– The emotion of worrying if they do not repay you is a task of oneself that you have.

If we distinguish them like this,

– You can express your feeling of wanting them to repay you (your own task), but you should not force them to repay you (intervening in the task of others) or worry and suffer (failing to control your emotions).
– You should try not to worry even if they do not repay you (controlling your emotions), try to understand the cause and background (respecting the other person), or try some reminders or negotiations (building trust relationships).

Example 3: Partner cheated

A common problem in romantic relationships is that your partner cheated on you. You wanted to be faithful to your partner, but your partner had a relationship with someone else. In this case,

– The choice of whether to cheat or not is a task of others that your partner has.
– The feeling of wanting to be faithful to your partner is a task of oneself that you have.
– The emotion of getting hurt when you find out that your partner cheated on you is a task of oneself that you have.

If we distinguish them like this,

– You can express your feeling of wanting to be faithful to your partner (your own task), but you should not monitor them so they do not cheat (intervening in the task
of others) or get hurt and keep crying (failing
to control your emotions).
– You should try not
to get hurt by your partner’s cheating
(controlling your emotions), try
to understand
the cause and background
(respecting
the other person),
or try
to solve it by talking or breaking up
(building trust relationships).

Separate tasks for happy human relationships!

According to Adlerian psychology, separating the tasks of others and the tasks of oneself has the following benefits

– By not intervening in the tasks of others, you can respect them and build trust relationships.
– By focusing on your own tasks, you can increase your self-responsibility and self-esteem.
– By controlling your own emotions and thoughts, you can reduce stress and anxiety.

Separating tasks is an effective way to solve problems and worries in human relationships by clarifying the boundaries between yourself and others.

However, separating tasks is not something that can be done easily. You may find yourself mixing up your own tasks and the tasks of others, or wanting to interfere with the tasks of others.

In such cases, try to keep in mind the following points.

– Do not have expectations or demands for others as to what you want them to do.
– Ask others what they think and how they feel.
– Do not teach or advise others what to do.
– If someone has expectations or demands for you, tell them that it is their task.
– When you do something or make a decision, be aware that it is your task.
– When you feel or think something, accept that it is your task.

If you practice these points, you should be able to separate tasks gradually. And that will lead to happier human relationships.